*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?