Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.