OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces