Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.