You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
O Wise One….
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.