Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The old gods are rising again.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Hero horse inspires millions
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins