Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon