Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake