[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
WWE is French for “yes”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.