Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
blocked.