Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
for all #parents out there
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…