[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
So that’s what we looked like?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.