Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”