[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
You Might Also Like
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.