confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
wish me luck lads
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.