Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Watson was Holmes schooled
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.