other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.