other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Single and childfree like Jesus
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire