other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You learn something every day
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.