Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus