Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*