Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.