very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Botany good plants lately?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me