I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*