People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas