[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.