[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”