[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
So sick of all these stupid rules
Lmao
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd