Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
You Might Also Like
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
The Punning Dead.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
There’s never enough good news
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy