Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor