Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Does it…does it take 3 days
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain