Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*