Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE