Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.