Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs