“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?