Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’