If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?