“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest