@torrami: Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage :(
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@UncleDuke1969: [mall] Wife: Wait here. Me: Okay. Wife: Hold my purse. Me: Yes, ma'am. *looks in purse* *waves at testicles* Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
@carlyken: So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.
@trevso_electric: Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years