Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Breaking news:
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*