Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms