*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.