[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You Might Also Like
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Jogging
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Fluff me with a fork baby
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart