ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
mumsnet is amazing
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Oh my God.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*