Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
i can’t wait that long
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
the Monday after daylight savings
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Employees must applaud the planets.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.