Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
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12653.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
It was worth a shot 😂
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: