[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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Truth
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder