Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.