[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
why am I working on Labor Day
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?