(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
looks legit
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
The news
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.